CODPIECE A SHAM screenplay Maurice Molyneaux Sherri Chenin based on a skit by Sherri Chenin Phil Ratliff Copyright MIM Maurice Molyneaux FADE IN: ECU on the LORD, looking weary and irritated. ZOOM OUT to reveal him. Momentarily, his MAIDEN BRIDE appears, moving back and forth and trying to dress him with various hats and accessories. Finally, she attempts to put a huge CODPIECE on him, and he reacts by slapping it away. LORD The Man-I-Am! The Man-I-Am! Desire you not the Man-I-Am? MAIDEN Think you this codpiece a sham? LORD Methinks that crude codpiece a sham. Desire you not the Man-I-Am? MAIDEN Come sir! Wear this one with pride! LORD I shall not wear that thing with pride. Although you be my maiden bride. Methinks that crude codpiece a sham. Desire you not the Man-I-Am? MAIDEN Wouldst thou flounce it while at court? Wouldst thou do so for my sport? LORD Thou wouldst shame me be-fore the court. If flounce did I just for thy sport. I shall not wear that thing with pride. Although you be my maiden bride. Methinks that crude codpiece a sham. Desire you not the Man-I-Am? MAIDEN Pox on you, "Sir Orthodox"! Noblemen preen like peacocks. LORD Yes orthodox. No preening cocks. Not flounce at court. Not for thy sport. I shall not wear that thing with pride. Although you be my maiden bride. Methinks that crude codpiece a sham. Desire you not the Man-I-Am? MAIDEN Wear it for me, fiancee. Take it! Take it! Please, I pray! LORD I shall not for you, fiancee. MAIDEN Ah! Mayhaps a leather one? In exchange for wed-night fun? LORD Entice me not with baudy fun. Nay fiancee! At last be done! I shall not be unorthodox. I shall not preen like some peacocks. I shall not shame myself at court. I shall not do it for thy sport. I shall not wear that thing with pride. I shall not for you, maiden bride. Methinks that crude codpiece a sham. Desire you not the Man-I-Am? Suddenly she AMBUSHES him, throwing WINE on the front of his breeches. MAIDEN A stain! A stain! A stain! A stain! Hide it! Hide it! Hide that stain! LORD Not for a stain! Nor baudy fun! Nay fiancee! Damn! Be you done! I shall not be unorthodox. I cannot preen like some peacocks. I shall not do it for thy sport. I shall not shame myself at court. I shall not wear that thing with pride. I shall not for you, maiden bride. Methinks that crude codpiece a sham. Desire you not the Man-I-Am? MAIDEN Say! For thy Queen? If for thy Queen? She so likes them, does thy Queen. LORD I would not even for my Queen. She strikes a seductive pose against a wall or post, batting her eyelashes. MAIDEN Wear it to my lust regain? LORD Not even to thy lust regain. Nor for my Queen. Nor for a stain. Nay fiancee! For baudy fun! I like not leather, nor this one! Not to the court. Unorthodox! Not for thy sport. Or proud peacocks. I shall not wear that thing with pride. I shall not for you, maiden bride! MAIDEN Think you this codpiece a sham? LORD It is not the Man-I-Am. MAIDEN Could you, would you, stuff it full? LORD I would not, could not, stuff it full! MAIDEN What sir? Not sir, like a bull? LORD I am not, nay not, like a bull! I would not, could not, stuff it full! Not even to thy lust regain. Nor to disguise this wretched stain. Not for my Queen! Nor baudy fun! Nay fiancee! At last be done! I cannot be unorthodox. I cannot preen like some peacocks. I shall not shame myself at court. I cannot do it for thy sport. I cannot wear that thing with pride. I cannot for you, maiden bride. LORD Methinks that crude codpiece a sham. LORD Desire you not the Man-I-Am? She thrusts the thing into his hands. MAIDEN If e're you want my maidenhead. Wear it! Else you'll go unwed! And your hand alone you'll bed! LORD Damn! At last your will be done. A fool you want? I be one! He looks at it sadly, then puts his back to the camera and tries it on. Then, he spins around, wearing the codpiece proudly. He is joyful. LORD Say! This codpiece is no sham! It doth enhance the Man-I-Am! And feel I like the manly bull And like the bull I stuff it full! He starts to swagger. LORD And with it I'll your lust regain. And for my Queen. To hide this stain! For fiancee. For baudy fun. And leather, yes, I'll take that one! So yes be I unorthodox. And preen just like the proud peacocks. And I shall flounce it at the court. And I shall do so for thy sport. And I shall wear it with great pride. Yes! Just for you my maiden bride! With codpiece on I'm not a sham! Manly? Manly? DAMN, I am! FADE OUT: THE END