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Women Need Martians

2nd Draft Screenplay

Scripting Conventions


WOMEN NEED MARTIANS By Maurice Molyneaux Concept Maurice Molyneaux & David Banach Additional Blame Sherri Briggs Second Draft May 17, 1999 Copyright 1999 by Maurice Molyneaux All rights reserved. Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 1. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN NEED MARTIANS FADE IN: 1 EXT. SPACE 1 STATIONARY on a star-filled void. SUPER TEXT: LIMITED TOOLS PRESENTS Text VANISHES and... Just below screen center we see the planet MARS. TITLE ZOOMS out from Mars: WOMEN NEED MARTIANS Mars slowly grows larger during the credits. CREDITS roll. At director credit, Mars stops growing. DISSOLVE THRU TO: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 2. 2 INT. 1950's AUTO -- NIGHT 2 CLOSE ON the glowing dial of a CAR RADIO, its disc matching that of Mars we have dissolved from. FADE IN: SCRATCHY MUSIC on an AM radio, not too loud. SFX: 1957-58 pop song over AM radio. HOLD ON RADIO DIAL. The sounds of MAKING OUT are heard, at first faintly over the music, and then rise in volume until we're not paying attention to the music any more. ELLIE (O.C.) (as if struggling to talk while being kissed hard) Mmmm! Mmmm! (suddenly able to talk) Wait! Stop! Stop it! EARL (O.C.) Yer mouth says no, but yer eyes say yes. Come e'er ya purdy...OOF! The camera shakes a little as the O.C. CAR DOOR opens and the dome light suddenly illuminates the dash. A moment later the dome light goes out as the O.C. DOOR slams shut. SFX: Music continues Car door opens Car door slams TILT UP from the radio to look out over the dash into the DARKNESS. Through the WINDSHIELD we see the HEADLIGHTS come on, illuminating ELLIE, storming away from the car, the WHITE ANGORA SWEATHER she is pulling on is radiant in the glow of the car's HEADLIGHTS. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 3. 3 EXT. RURAL ROAD -- NIGHT 3 A dark silhouette against the HEADLIGHTS, Ellie storms towards the camera. We can faintly make out driver of the car leaning out the driver's window. EARL Aww, c'mon Ellie! ELLIIIEEEEEE! She does not look back. The car starts then PEELS OUT, whipping a U-turn. We lose Ellie in the darkness and can only see the receding taillights. SFX: NO MUSIC! CAR STARTS AND DEPARTS 4 EXT. TEXAS-T SERVICE STATION -- NIGHT -- MINIATURE SIGN 4 ESTABLISHING SHOT of the DEACTIVATED SIGN against the night sky. SFX: Crickets, through 5. 4A LIVE ACTION -- VARIOUS ANGLES -- NIGHT 4A Various shots of the dilapidated service station. --The CLOSED SIGN in the window. --etc. 4B INT. TEXAS T SERVICE STATION, LOOKING OUT -- NIGHT 4B View from within. Beyond the station's single large GAS PUMP, we see Ellie walking, visible in the glow of lamppost alongside the road. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 4. 5 EXT. ROADWAY AT SERVICE STATION -_ NIGHT 5 INTRO: ELLIE LEADING ELLIE, looking down road. Our first good look at ELLIE as we follow her along the road. She is ANGRY. As Ellie walks, we see two headlights round a bend in the distance behind her, and rapidly approaching. SFX: Car approaching. 5A REVERSE ANGLE 5A Ellie turns and tries to wave down the car. It just roars by. 5B RESUME 7 (OPTICAL OR PRACTICAL UFO RIG) 5B As Ellie looks after the car, she does not notice the OTHER HEADLIGHTS that appear behind her. They: --appear from the TOP OF THE FRAME in the distance --SLOWLY DESCEND to the roadway --PROCEED towards Ellie ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 5. 5A RESUME 5A Ellie's back glows in the oncoming lights. She turns and sticks out her thumb. As the unseen source of the lights moves closer, Ellie begins to squint. She shields her eyes. The light is intense! SFX: Crickets STOP suddenly. A strange whining sound builds, then modulates to a weird, thrumming idle. As the lights come to a HALT, Ellie tilts her head back and back, until it's obvious the source is somewhat ABOVE HER. After a moment she goes slack-jawed at what she sees behind the light. ECU on Ellie. ELLIE (typical 50's horror SCREAM of terror!) SMASH CUT TO: 6 EXT. UNIVERSITY -- DAY 6 NEAR DUPLICATE of previous shot, but of another young woman -- SHIRLEY _ also SCREAMING! INTRO: SHIRLEY SHIRLEY AIIIEEEEE-- (scream modulates into excited voice) --I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! You got an _A_ in chemistry 202?! INTRO: BOBBIE JO ANOTHER ANGLE in which we can see that Shirley is standing face to face with another young woman, BOBBIE JO. Both are dressed like college girls in 1958 and carrying BOOKS. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 6. 6 CONTINUED: 6 The setting is part of a UNIVERSITY CAMPUS, and the girls stand in the grass. BOBBIE JO (smiling modestly) Oh Shirley, it was nothing. (teenage disgust) It wasn't like I had anything BETTER to keep me occupied. SHIRLEY (without thinking) So it was a good thing you aren't dating-- (horror, realizes what she's said) I mean...without Steve...to distract you from your-- BOBBIE JO (waves it off) I'm better off without him. ("can you believe it?") Gosh! Go steady with a guy for six months and he turns ALL HANDS! SHIRLEY (teenage disgust) Men are animals, Bobbie Jo! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 7. 7 EXT. UNIVERSITY -- STREET -- DAY 7 FAVORING someone sitting on a bench in the F.G., holding open a newspaper with the headline: FLYING SAUCERS SEEN NEAR DISAPPEARANCES Paper closes to reveal a PROFESSOR type reading it, and, beyond it, the GIRLS a ways off. Shirley and Bobbie Jo are leaving the college grounds and coming upon a street. They move directly towards the camera, continuing their conversation. BOBBIE JO Remember Renaldo; the Spanish freshman? I thought he'd be a gentleman, being from a "romantic" country at all. Well, HIS idea of romance was the back-seat of Daddy's car! SHIRLEY If some guy tried that on me I'd faint for sure! BOBBIE JO Well, I won't compromise my standards. I want a gentleman... (holds out hand) ...and a RING! SHIRLEY & BOBBIE JO (laugh) INTRO: ALICE As they reach the street, a CAR screeches into frame between them and the camera. Through the open windows we see the driver is ALICE, the worldly-wise "bad girl" of the group. A CIGARETTE dangles from her mouth. BOBBIE JO How DID she ever survive Driver's Ed? (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 8. 7 CONTINUED: 7 Alice didn't hear. She's lost in her own thoughts and obviously angry. Shirley and Bobbie Jo exchange "now what?" looks, then stare at Alice. A BEAT. Finally, Alice turns to look at her friends. ALICE (around cigarette) Well?! BOBBIE JO (biting/teasing) Alice, those charm school lessons are REALLY paying off. ALICE (sarcastic, forced smile) Ha. Ha. Ha. Alice flicks her cigarette away, narrowly missing Bobbie Jo, who REACTS. ALICE (continued) Are you getting in or not? No action. As usual, Shirley breaks the stalemate. SHIRLEY Let's gab over a soda. They pile into the car. Alice PEELS OUT. 8 EXT. BABS' DINER -- AFTERNOON -- MINIATURE SIGN 8 UP ANGLE on the giant BABS' SIGN. SFX: 50's pop music in background throughout 5 & 6. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 9. 9 INT. BABS' ROOT BEER -- AFTERNOON 9 The girls are seated in one of the booths, Shirley and Alice on one side, Bobbie Jo on the other. A waitress (Babs -- intro later) is just leaving their table with their order. BOBBIE JO (glares at Alice) So, what's with the Miss Merry Sunshine bit? Alice is tense and fiddles with her place setting as she explains. ALICE I caught Jim necking with Suzie Hoffsteader in the student union... (gestures with knife) ...where he was supposed to meet ME for lunch! Shirley & Bobbie Jo gasp! ANGLE from the aisle. P.O.V. of someone standing there. BABS' VOICE (O.C.) Men are bad news, girls. The girls all turn to look at this unseen person. INTRO: BABS _ a la Breakfast in America REVERSE ANGLE. We see BABS, the matronly, no-nonsense owner of the joint. One hand holds a tray with three DRINKS (a vanilla milkshake, a glass of milk, and a vanilla coke); the other is fixed to her hip as if bolted there. She's a no-nonsense broad, but an underlying kindness shows through. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 10. 9 CONTINUED: 9 BABS (continued) I should know...I've been MARRIED to most of 'em. Babs places the GLASS OF MILK in front of Shirley. BOBBIE JO (oh my god) BABS! You mean you've been-- (stage whisper) --D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D?! BABS (laughs) Hon, I've been to Reno so many times they made me the city mascot! (holds up a glass) Who had the vanilla coke? As Bobbie Jo takes the GLASS and Babs gives the MILKSHAKE to Alice: ALICE I can't wait to get out of this town and away from the local frat boys. Just then, a handsome YOUNG MAN with a ducktail struts past them. Shirley's eyes follow him longingly. SHIRLEY (dreamily) Me too... Alice's lip curls in disgust and she slaps Shirley's arm, breaking the spell. Shirley has the good grace to look embarrassed. BABS You girls off to the beach again? SHIRLEY Oh yes! It's a summer tradition! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 11. 9 CONTINUED: (2) 9 BOBBIE JO Surf, sun... ALICE (bitter) And no local jerks chasing our skirts. BABS Chasing's fine...AND fun. Just don't let 'em catch you. BOBBIE JO You only say that because you haven't found MR. RIGHT. (in her own world, admires imaginary ring) The man I'll marry will be tall, handsome, intelligent, dependable, and strong. Just like... (beat, "sigh") ...My Daddy! Shirley and Babs are kind of caught up in this first part, but their faces screw up at the payoff. Alice is less subtle and pokes a finger down her throat. BARF! 10 EXT. UNIVERSITY DORM -- MORNING 10 CLOSE on the open TRUNK of Alice's car. It is stuffed to the limit with LUGGAGE. SHIRLEY (O.C.) --swimsuits, shorts, dresses, film, camera, sandals, cosmetics bag, hats, lotion, sunglasses-- BOBBIE JO (O.C.) (impatient) KITCHEN SINK! The trunk SLAMS shut. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 12. 10 CONTINUED: 10 REVEAL the GIRLS, dressed for the open road. Shirley, a NEWSPAPER tucked under her arm, stands at the open trunk with Bobbie Jo. Alice stands impatiently at the open driver's door. BOBBIE JO (continued) It's all there! Without a word, Alice gets in the car. Shirley opens the passenger door for Bobbie Jo, who notices Shirley's newspaper. BOBBIE JO (indicates paper) What'cha got there? Bobbie Jo gets in. Shirley gets into the front seat and closes the door. SHIRLEY Today's paper. I have to keep up with Mary Worth. SFX: Alice starting car. BOBBIE JO Let me see Heloise Hints. Shirley pulls a section of the paper loose and hands it back to Bobbie Jo. Then opens the front section. ANGLE on the BACK PAGE of the paper. There's an add for "WONDERFUL WHITE BREAD, made with WHOLESOME BLEACHED WHITE FLOUR!" PAN to FRONT PAGE, and the headline: GIRLS VANISH NEAR SAUCER SIGHTINGS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 13. 11 EXT. MIDWESTERN HIGHWAY -- MORNING 11 ANGLE on a HIGHWAY 40 sign. SFX: Highway Traffic PAN TO REVEAL: A busy stretch of road. CARS pass in opposite directions. WHIP PAN w/Alice's car as it approaches and passes. 12 INT. ALICE'S CAR -- MIDWESTERN HIGHWAY -- MORNING 12 GIRLS DRESSED AND SEATED AS AT END OF 10. BOBBIE JO has the newspaper. BOBBIE JO (O.C.) (reading paper aloud) Gosh! Listen to this. _The search began on Saturday night, when the bus carrying the girls track team of Babbitt, Nevada, did not arrive from an out of town meet. ALICE Didn't some other girls disappear last week in New York? BOBBIE JO (O.C.) (continuing) "Local deputies found the bus, abandoned along the highway. The next day, the bus driver, Robert Cantrell, was found stumbling through the desert in a state of shock, endlessly repeating the word `Martians'._ SHIRLEY (confidently) That's just silly. Any world advanced enough to have space travel would be too civilized to resort to kidnapping earth girls! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 14. 12 CONTINUED: 12 BOBBIE JO Gosh, girls...think of it. A world where the men are CIVILIZED! Wouldn't that be heaven? Laughter. ALICE So, Shirl, how do you explain it? SHIRLEY (serious) I'll bet the communists are behind it! ALICE And the flying saucer sightings? Martian communists? SHIRLEY (gasp) Maybe that's why they call it the RED planet! Blank, stupefied looks from Alice and Bobbie Jo. BOBBIE JO deliberately vanishes behind the newspaper, while Alice puts an index-finger gun to her temple and BANG! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 15. 13 TRAVELING MONTAGE 13 SFX: Music for road trip montage begins with here and continues through start of 18 as only sound on soundtrack. We see Alice's car zipping down the road, showing various kinds of landscapes. Drive-by shots of 50's vintage signs (A&Ws, Bob's Root Beer, motor inns, etc., movie marquees with 50s SF film titles). Interspersed are shots of the girls getting strangers to take their picture, them piling in and out of the car in various locales, walking on railroad bridges, etc. Throughout, there are BILLBOARDS and ADS for various _white_ products: swiss cheese, bleach, milk, cottage cheese, potato soup, white sugar, salt, vanilla ice cream, white cheddar, etc. IMPORTANT! A handful of shots in this montage feature men of various types making unwanted moves on the girls, who react as their personalities dictate. 14 TRAVELING MONTAGE -- EXT. A MALT SHOP -- DAY 14 A wide-eyed Bobbie Jo is intently reading a newspaper with the headline: SAUCER SCARE CONTINUES ARE THEY MEN FROM MARS? SURPRISE! Alice appears suddenly, wearing patently phony ANTENNAS AND BUG-EYES fashioned from common items. Bobbie Jo jumps, then starts throwing things at a smiling Alice, who flees. Shirley doubles over with laughter. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 16. 15 TRAVELING MONTAGE -- CONTINUED 15 Continuing as 13. Settings becoming a bit more rural. 16 INT. MOTEL OFFICE -- MORNING 16 Alice's signs out, there is an open COKE BOTTLE on the counter alongside a ROOM KEY. The sleazy CLERK is giving her the eye. She ignores his attentions, collecting her Coke. She takes a sip of her drink as she clears the door, but suddenly the clerk GOOSES her! Alice stops cold. Slowly, she turns back to him and smiles. He winks at her, tilting his head back towards the office. CLOSE ANGLES. Alice smiles seductively and leans closer to him. His face brightens with expectation. Suddenly, he gets a perplexed look on his face. ANGLE where we see Alice has shoved the neck of her Coke bottle into the waist of his slacks. A growing WET SPOT spreads. Alice strides away, clearly annoyed, leaving the clerk petrified in embarrassment. 17 TRAVELING MONTAGE -- CONTINUED 17 As before. Settings becoming really rural. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 17. 18 EXT. RURAL HIGHWAY -- ALICE'S CAR -- DAY 18 TRACKING SHOT with Alice's moving car following us. SHIRLEY (V.O.) Are you sure this is the right way? This highway doesn't look familiar. ALICE (V.O.) You're the one who's been giving me directions, Shirl! Shirley and Bobbie Jo say the following two lines in sync. SHIRLEY (V.O.) Bobbie Jo, hand me the map... BOBBIE JO (V.O.) Shirley, hand me the map... DEAD SILENCE from the girls as the car continues down the highway. 19 EXT. TEXAS-T SERVICE STATION -- DAY -- MINIATURE SIGN 19 NOTE: 19, 19A and 19B are EXACT DUPLICATES of shots 4, 4A and 4B, except shot during the day, and with the station now open. ESTABLISHING SHOT of the SIGN against the sky. SFX: A.M. radio faintly playing the same song as in 5. 19A LIVE ACTION -- VARIOUS ANGLES -- DAY 19A Various shots of the dilapidated service station. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 18. 19B INT. TEXAS T SERVICE STATION, LOOKING OUT -- DAY 19B View from within. Beyond the station's single large GAS PUMP, we see the road where we last saw Ellie. SFX: Distant sound of a CAR approaching at high speed. 20 EXT. TEXAS-T SERVICE STATION -- DAY 20 SINGLE SHOT w/no cuts... --ECU of a LOCAL NEWSPAPER. Above a picture of Ellie, (from the teaser) reads the HEADLINE: _SPACEMEN GRABBED MY GIRL!_ SFX: CAR gets closer. --SLOWLY, the paper folds down, revealing behind it-- SFX: CAR SCREECHING to a halt. INTRO: EARL --EARL the station attendant/mechanic, his gaze on the O.C. car. Earl is a rather unappetizing crumb of humanity; a dirty old man at 25. He looks as if he bathes in 40 weight. His nametag, embroidered with the name _Earl_, is stitched to the breast of coveralls so stained that they resemble nothing so much as military camouflage garb. --ZOOM OUT to reveal that Earl is seated in front of the Texas-T, and that ALICE'S CAR is alongside the GAS PUMP. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 19. 20A EXT. TEXAS-T SERVICE STATION _ DAY _ VARIOUS COVERAGE 20A Alice disembarks the car in a huff. Shirley and Bobbie Jo follow, both a little crestfallen. Earl PUTS DOWN the PAPER and manages to lift himself off his butt in the most languid manner imaginable. ALICE (to Earl) Hey, Mac, where's the powder room? Earl points. ALICE Fill `er up, will ya? Alice spins on her heel and comes face to face with Bobbie Jo. ALICE And ask him for a MAP! Alice struts off before Bobbie Jo can reply. Shirley looks helplessly at Bobbie Jo, shrugs slightly, and then hurries off after Alice. ANGLE. As Shirley passes Earl, she sees his abandoned newspaper, and PICKS IT UP. ANGLE on Bobbie Jo in the F.G. while Earl laboriously starts gassing the car in the B.G. Bobbie Jo's body language alternates between annoyance, embarrassment, and confusion. She is at first unaware that Earl is staring at her. Then she becomes aware of his gaze and meets it. BOBBIE JO (oh ick!) Hi. Earl smiles, but it is NOT a pleasant sight. Bobbie Jo quickly looks away. Beat. She looks back at Earl, who's still eyeing her. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 20. 20A CONTINUED: 20A BOBBIE JO Do you have a map? We're kind of...lost. Without looking away from her, Earl pulls a tattered, stained MAP from a pocket, but does not extend it to Bobbie Jo. She must step closer to him. She moves just close enough to snatch the map, then fumbles to get it open. Earl opens the hood of the car and starts checking fluids, etc. IMPORTANT! We must not be able to see what Earl is doing with his hands. When EARL TALKS we instantly recognize his VOICE as Ellie's date from 2. EARL Looks like yer radiator's leakin'. BOBBIE JO Really? (meets Earl's lecherous stare, quickly looks to the map) Let's see...we're on highway 54... Earl moves away from the hood, shuts off the pump and puts the gas cap back on the car. EARL Nope. This here's route 82. BOBBIE JO But that's impossible... Earl sidles up to her and points at the map, though he never really looks at it. His gaze is fixed, unblinking, on BOBBIE JO'S CHEST. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 21. 20A CONTINUED: (2) 20A EARL See, yer right here. You 'n yer two friends got on'ta 82 when ya went though Springfield. BOBBIE JO Oh no! That means we've got to backtrack almost a hundred miles! EARL Nah, you kin keep going the way ya are to 107, then use the Farmington cutoff to get to 120. That'll take ya right to 40. BOBBIE JO That's awful complicated! (sweetly, through teeth) Can I buy this map? EARL Nah, it's not fer sale. BOBBIE JO OH PLEASE! EARL Well...since yer a gal in trouble, I'll make ya a special dealy... I'll TRADE ya for it. BOBBIE JO (blink, blink) Trade what? SMASH CUT TO: (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 22. 20A CONTINUED: (3) 20A ANGLE where we see Alice and Shirley returning-- --Alice holds a LIT CIGARETTE --Shirley is looking in EARL'S NEWSPAPER SFX: Loud CRACK Alice and Shirley stop short. Their gaze goes to the ground as Earl SLIDES TO THEIR FEET, flat on his back and out like a light. They stare at him for a moment, then look up towards Bobbie Jo out of frame. --WIDE ANGLE of Car and Bobbie Jo. --The MAP lays on the ground at Bobbie Jo's feet. --Bobbie Jo's sweater now features two BIG BLACK HANDPRINTS over her breasts. --She is rubbing her FIST after decking Earl. Shirley runs to Bobbie Jo and grabs her arm. Alice walks over, still looking back at Earl. SHIRLEY Bobbie Jo! What did he do? ALICE Gimme a BREAK! Shirley looks down, sees the map, and scoops it up. SHIRLEY See, Alice? Bobbie Jo got us a map! Alice and Bobbie Jo both give Shirley "you're out there" looks. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 23. 20B ANOTHER ANGLE 20B ECU of Earl, still out cold, with THREE DOLLARS stuffed in his mouth. In the background, we see ALICE'S CAR zooming away. SFX: Car peels out. 21 EXT. RURAL HIGHWAY -- DAY 21 Alice's car zips down the road. 22 INT. ALICE'S CAR -- RURAL HIGHWAY -- DAY 22 SFX: Ambient traveling auto interior noise throughout. CLOSE ON NEWSPAPER. Again, we see Ellie's picture and the headline: SPACEMEN GRABBED MY GIRL! SHIRLEY (O.C.) (reading paper aloud) --and was last seen walking along route 82, near the Texas-T station. Several locals reported seeing more of the strange lights in the sky around that time, leading some to conclude that she was kidnapped by a flying saucer. WIDER ANGLE. Alice is behind the wheel, cracking bubble gum. Bobbie Jo sits in the passenger seat, no longer wearing the "pawed" sweater. Shirley, is in the back seat reading the newspaper: BOBBIE JO (grumbles) More like kidnapped by that creepy grease monkey. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 24. 22 CONTINUED: 22 SHIRLEY (continuing to read) "A spokesman for the Air Force says these sightings are not flying saucers, but other objects people are mistaking for them. BOBBIE JO That's good. All this flying saucer talk was starting to scare me. SHIRLEY They call such phenomenon Unidentified Flying Objects... or U-F-Os." (looks up from paper) It also says that some people think the Air Force is covering up an invasion from Mars. How ridiculous! ALICE Ridiculous is right! That Air Force explanation is about as real as Suzie Hoffsteader's padded bra! SHIRLEY Alice! Shame on you! (patriotic) This is America! Our government agencies would never lie to us! Alice and Bobbie Jo exchange looks. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 25. 23 EXT. RURAL HIGHWAY -- DAY 23 SFX: Hiss of steam fades up and persists. Various angles of the desert: --wildflowers --horned toads --a faded, peeling BILLBOARD advertising delicious Ivory Milk. --abandoned buildings --the rusting corpse of a DEAD VEHICLE SFX: Hiss of steam is loudest now. PAN AWAY from the dead vehicle. We see that it rests a short distance from a narrow rural highway. The road seems endless. On the opposite side of the road from the rusting heap we see Alice's car, hood open and steam spewing from its radiator. Alice steps into view, wiping her hands on a RAG. ALICE The radiator's bone dry and the engine's overheated! PULL BACK to reveal Bobbie Jo and Shirley standing helplessly nearby. BOBBIE JO (horrified) That creep at the gas station said something about the radiator! Alice opens her mouth, but before she can say anything, Shirley comes to Bobbie Jo's defense. SHIRLEY Alice! Bobbie Jo just had a traumatic experience. You can't blame her for forgetting! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 26. 23 CONTINUED: 23 SINGLE SHOT: Lawrence of Arabia shot. Girls and car in foreground, road stretching off to infinity beyond them. A car appears as a speck in the distance, closing steadily as the girls argue. DO NOT CUT until car is almost upon them. Alice wads up the rag and throws it into the engine. ALICE I wasn't blaming her! It was that garage monkey who PUT the hole in the radiator! SHIRLEY Why would he do that? ALICE So he could tell us we had a leak and charge us to fix it! SHIRLEY There goes our vacation! ALICE Wait, wait, wait... (thinks aloud, forcing herself to calm down) If we can get some water, we can maybe get to the next town. For now we can plug up the hole with chewing gum. It won't last long, but... SFX: Hiss of steam gradually fades out. Sound of approaching car fades in. At the sound, the girls all turn and look at the oncoming vehicle. It is a WHITE CAR that slows and then pulls to a stop. There is some kind of I.D. sticker in its windshield. Driving is FRED, accompanied by MIKE. Both wear white lab coats, black framed glasses and look like young scientist types. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 27. 23 CONTINUED: (2) 23 Mike leans out the passenger window. MIKE You girls having car trouble? ALICE Just need some water for the radiator. Without exchanging a glance, Mike and Fred pile out of their car and move to Alice's. Bobbie Jo avoids the men. FRED (let us "men" handle it) Let us take a look. Guys start poking around under the hood. ALICE We know what the problem is. There's a hole in the radiator. We need to get to the next town so we can have it repaired. MIKE & FRED (to each other--in stereo --"women") Out of gas. SHIRLEY But, we got gas less than an hour ago! MIKE (to Fred) The fuel pump? ALICE The fuel pump's fine. The engine runs fine. It's the radiator-- (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 28. 23 CONTINUED: (3) 23 FRED (to Mike) Dead battery? Mike checks the dipstick for the oil. MIKE (to Fred) Oil looks okay. ALICE (losing patience) Forget the dipstick, you dipsticks! It's not anything to do with the fuel system or the stupid oil! The radiator's bone dry. Shirley grabs Alice's arm and steers her aside. SHIRLEY ALICE! (sotto voce) They're trying to HELP. Don't run them off. ALICE (grrrrr) I hate it when guys don't pay attention to what I'm saying just because I'm a woman! Fred calls out from under the hood. FRED We found your problem, girls! Alice opens her mouth but, OOF!, a smiling Shirley ELBOWS her in the ribs. SHIRLEY (sweetly) Really? WHATEVER could it be? Fred waves her over. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 29. 23 CONTINUED: (4) 23 FRED (patronizing) See this here's your ra-di-a-tor. It's what cools your engine down. Mike puts his arm around Shirley as she leans in to look. MIKE (indicates farther down) And see down here? There's a bitsy little hole that let all your water out. SHIRLEY So THAT'S it! Do you guys have any water, so we can get to a garage? FRED (condescending) Sorry, sweet thing. Don't have any. SHIRLEY Well, how about a lift to the next town? MIKE (gestures down highway) Well, we were just on our way to work at the base. FRED (winks at Mike) Gee, and we'd be late if we had to go so far out of our way. SHIRLEY OH PLEASE! MIKE Well, you pretty young things might PERSUADE us to help. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 30. 23 CONTINUED: (5) 23 Shirley finds herself between Fred and Mike; they are uncomfortably close to her. Alice covers her eyes and shakes her head. SHIRLEY (blink, blink) How? MIKE (in her ear) We'll go to the base and send someone back with water if you girls will... (whispers) Shirley's jaw drops. She steps away. SHIRLEY (horrified) We're not those kind of girls! Fred and Mike turn away from the car FRED Oh, SURE you're not... Just then, Shirley's gaze snaps to something behind the two men. They turn and-- ON ALICE. She reacts. Crack! Crack! Her gaze follows Fred and Mike, who slide to her feet, just as Earl did! SFX: TWO loud serial PUNCHES. ON BOBBIE JO, rubbing her fist and looking like nothing less than an avenging Donna Reed. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 31. 23 CONTINUED: (6) 23 BOBBIE JO (royally pissed off) Pardon my French, but...gosh darn it all to heck! Why are men such...PIGS?! SHIRLEY Thanks, Bobby Jo! ALICE Geez, Bobby Jo! What do you think these two are going to do when they wake up?! It's not like we can drive away! BOBBIE JO Don't get your panties in a bunch! SFX: POLICE SIREN. Faintly in the distance, but getting louder as it approaches. The girls REACT to the siren sound, looking O.C. in the direction they came from. 23A POV -- POLICE CAR ROOF 23A ROOF'S EYE VIEW from atop the moving rural POLICE CRUISER. It rapidly closes on the girls the two cars. Its SIGNAL LIGHT is flashing and its SIREN wails. SFX: SIREN, up close and personal. Shirley runs out to the middle of the road and waves the police car down. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 32. 23 RESUME (7) 23 The beat up POLICE CRUISER breaks hard, stopping between Shirley and Fred and Mike's car. The law enforcement SYMBOL on the door reads _Coconino County_. The driver is SHERIFF WARD, a middle-aged good-ol-boy. INTRO: SHERIFF WARD. Ape ST:TMP tram arrival shot. SFX: SIREN shuts off. Engine idles. ANGLE ON WARD'S CAR. He leans out the window. SHERIFF WARD You all right? Shirley moves closer, looking relieved. Alice and BOBBIE JO stand near their car. IMPORTANT! that we can just see Fred and Mike's feet sticking our from behind the car near them. Ward does not notice. SHIRLEY Thank goodness you're here, officer! You see, our car broke down and-- WARD (distracted) I see some of the local boys are helpin' ya out. SHIRLEY Well, actually, they stopped and-- WARD Good thing they did! Cause the only mechanic 'round here is Earl, and some hoodlum done attacked him! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 33. 23 CONTINUED: (8) 23 SHIRLEY (taken aback) Um...is he all right? WARD Yeah. Doc says he'll be fine soon as he wakes up! I'm on my way to set up a roadblock. No cars are leaving this county until we know who did this! At this BOBBIE JO and Alice very deliberately step out of view behind the car. SHIRLEY You see, what happened is we stopped for gas and-- Fred and Mike's feet are dragged out of view! Ward does not see this. WARD (to himself) When I get my hands on the hoodlum that done that to Earl, I'll string him up! And I can do it to, cause I'm not only the sheriff, I'm the judge! SHIRLEY (blanches) Uh...well, you see, Sheriff... Ward puts the car in gear and slowly rolls forward to come alongside Alice's car. Shirley tries to explain. SHIRLEY (panicky) WAIT! You see, about the guys who stopped to help us-- (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 34. 23 CONTINUED: (9) 23 WARD'S POV. We see Alice and Bobbie Jo leaning under the hood as if studying the engine with Fred and Mike, who have been propped up so as to appear to be busy under the hood. One arm of each of the unconscious men is draped over the girls' shoulders. BOBBIE JO (loudly) So you mean it's this ENGINE thingie that makes the car go? You guys are soooo smart! WARD Fred! You got everything under control? WARD'S POV. Fred's arm waves limply from under the hood ANOTHER ANGLE. We see the arm is being puppeted by Alice. ALICE (deep voice) Uh...Yeah! We got these gals well in hand! Impulsively, Alice gooses BOBBIE JO, who SHRIEKS and jumps! She quickly regains her composure and unhappily plays along. BOBBIE JO Oh, these boys are SUCH a handful! BOBBIE JO throws a dirty look at Alice. Ward gets out of his car and swaggers over to Alice's. WARD I better check. These rocket scientists don't know a spark plug from an air filter! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 35. 23 CONTINUED: (10) 23 SHIRLEY (panicky) Sheriff, please, I have to-- He looks under the hood and REACTS. WARD'S POV. Fred and Mike unconscious. ANGLE. WHAM! The hood comes down, and Ward and the other guys jerk cartoonishly then go limp. ANOTHER ANGLE. Alice has her hands on the hood. SHIRLEY (blows her cool) Great, Alice! Just great! ALICE Shut up, Shirl! BOBBIE JO Oh my gosh, Alice, I think you killed them! Alice lifts the hood and checks the unconscious men. ALICE Ahhh, they're not hurt. Just out cold. SHIRLEY Boy, when you get in trouble you don't aim small do you! Why stop with beating up a few guys when you can assault a cop! Why go for one to five in the big house when we can shoot for ten to twenty! What's next? Grand theft auto? A beat. Alice gives her a look. SMASH CUT TO: (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 36. 23 CONTINUED: (11) 23 ECU the BACK TIRE OF FRED'S CAR. Suddenly, it starts spinning. ANOTHER ANGLE. Looking past Ward's and Alice's cars as FRED'S CAR peels out and races off down the highway the three girls in it. Stay on this as the car recedes into the distance. Fred stirs, there is a GROAN. BEAT. The hood falls shut on the three men! CLUNK! IMPORTANT: The trunk to Alice's car is OPEN and EMPTY. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 37. 24 EXT. ROUTE 82 -- DAY 24 LOW ANGLE FROM ROAD CENTER. Fred's car appears in the distance, and rapidly closes on the camera, which whip- pans after it to watch it continue down the road. The following fades up as the car approaches. RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) News flash! Local deputies warn residents to be on the lookout for three young women driving a stolen white 1955 Chevy. They are wanted for battery and grand theft auto. They are considered extremely dangerous! State and local police forces are setting up roadblocks on all highways leading out of Coconino County. The NEWS REPORT concludes just as the stolen car nears the camera. Suddenly, the car brakes and turns hard, racing onto a RURAL ROAD perpendicular to the highway. 25 EXT. RURAL ROAD -- AREA 69 PERIMETER -- DAY 25 A SIGN on a barbed wire FENCE that parallels the road. The sign reads: UNITED STATES AIR FORCE ATMOSPHERIC OBERVATORY Suddenly, MIKE'S CAR screeches to a halt along the roadside. No sooner has it stopped than Bobbie Jo leaps out, hand to her chest, hyperventilating! Shirley piles out after her. SHIRLEY Breathe normally, Bobbie Jo! Alice kills the engine, exits the car and approaches them. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 38. 25 CONTINUED: 25 BOBBIE JO (stops gasping, but goes bananas) WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO! WE'RE WANTED WOMEN! I'M NOT DRESSED TO BE A FUGITIVE FROM JUSTICE! I'M TOO PRETTY FOR JAIL! WHAT WILL MY DADDY SAY?! WHAT--?! Alice SLAPS BOBBIE JO, who looks stunned, but calms down. ALICE Get a hold of yourself! SHIRLEY Leave her alone! She has every right to be upset! ANGLE where we can see between Alice and Shirley, towards the SIGN at the base fence. SHIRLEY Honestly, Alice, I knew you had a reputation as a 'bad girl', but I never dreamed how bad you could be! ALICE Shut up, Shirl. SHIRLEY And what's worse, you're a bad influence on Bobbie Jo! ALICE Shut up, Shirl. SHIRLEY Do you know how much trouble we're in?! ALICE (mechanically) Shut up, Shirl. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 39. 25 CONTINUED: (2) 25 During this, Bobbie Jo walks into frame, in front of the sign. She turns profile, looking down the road, and her body blocks part of the sign, leaving only the letters U F & O showing to the left of her. FAVORING ALICE, who happens to be looking at the sign as BOBBIE JO does this. She reacts with mild surprise. ALICE'S POV. The only part of the sign visible to the left of BOBBIE JO are the letters U F & O. BACK ON ALICE as a flash of comprehension crosses her face, totally oblivious to Shirley. SHIRLEY (getting annoyed) You're not even listening to me! What are you looking...? Shirley's eyes widen as she sees it. She and Alice exchange a look. SHIRLEY Oh please! That the most ridiculous idea! Alice thinks. Decides Shirley is right, then moves to the TRUNK of the car and opens it. ALICE Probably right. But, how else do you explain all those sightings and all those girls disappearing? Alice begins rummaging around in the trunk, seeing what's there. BOBBIE JO wanders over to see what Alice is doing. NOTE: Amongst the contents are the girls' luggage and the props described in 29. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 40. 25 CONTINUED: (3) 25 Alice holds up a pair of BINOCULARS. BOBBIE JO takes them and then uses them intermittently to scan the base throughout the following. SHIRLEY Don't be silly. There's no such thing as flying saucers! ALICE Hey, look at this! Alice holds up a thick BINDER with the title: THE AERODYNAMIC CHARACTERISTICS OF FLYING DISCS. SHIRLEY (a little taken aback) Well, or course they're studying the idea! But, remember, the Air Force said these UFO reports are just optical illusions. A shiny metal FLYING SAUCER races overhead, heading over the base. BOBBIE JO tries to follow it with the binoculars. SHIRLEY (flustered) Well, I'm sure the Air Force doesn't know about those things! A pair of F-104 Starfighter jets race overhead, following the departed saucer. Girls react. BOBBIE JO looks after them with binoculars. SHIRLEY (faltering) See? They were chasing that saucer, right? Suddenly, BOBBIE JO fixes on something through the binoculars. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 41. 25 CONTINUED: (4) 25 SHIRLEY (confidence returning) I mean, there's no way you're going to convince me that the U.S. Air Force has anything to do with those girls disappearing! Without taking her eyes from the binoculars, BOBBIE JO taps Alice on the shoulder. Alice notes the direction she is looking, takes the binoculars and looks. SHIRLEY (cont.) I'm sure they're just trying to stop these abductions! Without a word, Alice hands the binoculars to Shirley, then points down into the valley at the BASE below. Shirley takes the hint and looks through the binoculars. 25A SHIRLEY'S POV -- THROUGH BINOCULARS -- BINOCULAR MATTE 25A Alongside the runway there is a large SIGN proclaiming the base as "SAUCERTOWN U.S.A." 25 RESUME 25 SHIRLEY (groping) Well, you see, they... well, what they must be... Shirl thrusts the binoculars back into BOBBIE JO's hands. SHIRLEY (surrendering) Oh, SHHHHOOT! 26 OMITTED 26 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 42. 27 EXT. AREA 69 -- SIGN -- DAY 27 CU of a big sign which reads: AREA 69 UNITED STATES AIR FORCE ATMOSPHERIC OBERVATORY BRIDEGROOM LAKE STATION 27A EXT. AREA 69 -- GATE 27A Medium-wide shot of the gate to Area 69. We see that the sign in 27 is above the GUARD SHACK there. A single Air Force GUARD stands outside the shack. A CAR drives up to the gate from WITHIN the base. The GUARD waves the car through. It drives out through the gate. HARD CUT TO: 27B EXT. AREA 69 -- OFF-BASE PARKING -- SAME DAY 27B WIDE SHOT of a parking lot just outside the Area 69 facility. Numerous civilian vehicles are parked here. Almost immediately, the car that was seen leaving the gate in 22A appears, driving AWAY. As the other car leaves, FRED'S CAR, driven by Alice, pulls into the first available spot farthest from the gate. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 43. 28 INT. FRED'S CAR -- OFF-BASE PARKING 28 Alice puts the car in park and kills the engine. SHIRLEY (nervous) Let's get out of here! BOBBIE JO Looks like there's only one guard at the gate. ALICE We've got to get past him somehow. SHIRLEY What's wrong with you?! This is isn't the boy's dorm you're sneaking into! This is a military base! BOBBIE JO Go over the fence? ALICE Might get us shot. SHIRLEY SHOT?! Favoring Alice. She is looking around, and her gaze fixes on something O.C. BOBBIE JO (O.C.) We're going to have to think of something. Alice's P.O.V. We see the GUARD at the gate some distance away. He's not looking at the gate, but gazing to his right (screen left). SHIRLEY (O.C.) (calm, calm...) Come on, girls. Let's just get to the coast! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 44. 28 CONTINUED: 28 CU ALICE, shifting her gaze to her left to see what the guard is watching. BOBBIE JO In a stolen car? Shirley and Bobbie Jo's dialogue plays over the following. ANGLE through the perimeter fence. Just inside the fence is a yard, scattered here and there on which are lab-coated SCIENTISTS, in pairs. Of each pair one holds a clipboard and pen, and the other holds a silvery Frisbee. Each pair conducts experiments in trying to make the discs fly: tossing and launching them by various means, but every time they let go of the discs they make a beeline for the ground. THUD! Each time this happens to a pair, the scientist with the clipboard solemnly makes notes. BOBBIE JO (cont.) We can't drive home or even out of this county. It's this or jail! SHIRLEY (O.C.) Well, if you two had let me explain the situation to that nice Sheriff we wouldn't be in this mess! BOBBIE JO (O.C.) Who do you think he'd believe; the local boys or the city girls that knocked them out? SHIRLEY (O.C.) We ARE talking about an officer of the law, Bobbie Jo! They're above personal bias. BOBBIE JO (O.C.) And you'd keep telling yourself that while he slapped the cuffs on you. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 45. 28 CONTINUED: (2) 28 SHIRLEY (O.C.) This is serious! We're talking battery charges! BOBBIE JO (O.C.) Listen, little miss moral compunction, you had your chance to stay behind and explain it all to that _nice_ sheriff, but you didn't. SHIRLEY (O.C.) But, this is crazy! Steal a flying saucer and go where?! FAVORING ALICE. A SMILE as she gets an idea. ALICE Enough small talk, girls, I have a plan! Shirley and Bobbie Jo REACT. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 46. 29 INT. & EXT. FRED'S CAR -- DAY -- VARIOUS ANGLES 29 MUSIC: Musical "interlude" begins with this shot and covers all other sound through scene ZZ. A series of quick cuts: --BACK SEAT: A few LAB COATS are piled here. Bobbie Jo's hands reach in and snatch them up. --FRONT SEAT: A razor blade sits next to Fred and Mike's picture I.D. badges, which lay alongside Alice and Bobby Jo's student I.D.s. Alice's hands appear, GRABBING both her I.D. and the razor blade. --TRUNK: The trunk OPENS. Shirley's hand reaches in and pulls a TIRE IRON from the trunk, holding it steady for a moment so we can see it. --FRONT SEAT: Alice works with the razor blade to cut the photo off her student I.D. --REAR WHEEL: The bottom of one of the car's tires is visible in the upper part of the frame. Suddenly, that tire's HUBCAP falls to the ground. --FRONT SEAT: Alice's hands dabbing nail polish where Mike's picture had been on his I.D., then sticking her student I.D. photo on with the nail polish. --TRUNK: Shirley's hands pop open a SUITCASE and rummage through the contents, emerging with a three ring binder filled with paper, holding it steady for a moment so we can see it. --FRONT SEAT: Same as earlier, with I.D.s visible on seat. However, now Mike's I.D. has Alice's picture on it, and both Alice's and Bobbie Jo's student I.D.s are now photo-less. The photos of Mike and Fred lay on the seat, vandalized with penned-in moustaches, glasses, etc. A BEAT. Fred's I.D. drops to the seat, now adorned with Bobbie Jo's picture. --FENCE: Suddenly, the white SLEEVE of one of the lab coats appears, and Bobbie Jo's hand pops out the end. MUSIC: END OF MUSICAL INTERLUDE. 30 EXT. AREA 69 -- GATE -- DAY 30 The GUARD looks away from the O.C. scientists and brings his gaze towards the parking lot. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 47. 31 REVERSE ANGLE -- PARKING LOT 31 ANGLE past the Guard to see the girls approaching. Alice is scribbling in the notebook as Shirley and Bobbie Jo toss the HUBCAP between them like a Frisbee. WARDROBE NOTE: Bobbie Jo's lab coat is BUTTONED throughout. She is wearing the sweater with Earl's handprints underneath, which is NOT revealed until 43. INTERCUT between Guard, scientists, and girls doing their scientist impersonations as they approach the gate. Each time we see the girls, they are closer to the guard hut. NOTE: Get crazy! As the sequences progress, the scientists' efforts become more ridiculous and Wile E. Coyote-esque. Wacko launchers that backfire. Discs that boomerang, come out mangled, whack scientists in the heads, etc.! --CU GUARD. He looks at the girls O.C. --Bobbie Jo tosses the hubcap back to Shirley. It glides easily. --GUARD continues to look at the girls O.C. A beat, then he turns to look at the scientists O.C. --GUARD'S P.O.V.: A scientist tries tossing a Frisbee... WHAM! It goes right to the ground. Other scientist makes notes on clipboard. --GUARD turns away from the O.C. scientists to the O.C. girls. --The hubcap glides back to Bobbie Jo. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 48. 31 CONTINUED: 31 --GUARD looks away from girls to scientists. --Another failed Frisbee toss... WHAP! Scribble, scribble, scribble... --GUARD looks from scientists to girls. --The hubcap glides back to Shirley. --THUD! Scribble, scribble, scribble... --Now almost upon the guard shack, Bobbie Jo catches the hubcap. --CRUNCH! Scribble, scribble, scribble... Now right alongside the guard, Shirley catches the hubcap. MEDIUM SHOT. The Guard waves the girls through the gate. They continue Frisbee tossing and scribbling professionally as they walk past him and out of shot. 32 EXT. AREA 69 -- SCIENTISTS' AREA 32 WIDE ANGLE. The scientists stoically continue their failed experiments. The girls stroll across the F.G. of the scene, Shirley trailing, hubcap in hand. Shirley half shrugs to herself, turns and flings the hubcap like a frisbee. ANGLE ON SCIENTISTS: All watch as the hubcap ZINGS BY. Suddenly, lights come on in their heads and all Frisbees are dropped as the scientists with the clipboards scribble furiously while their partners run off after the airborne hubcap. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 49. 33 EXT. AREA 69 -- DAY 33 The girls, still clad as scientists, are striding past a F-104 Starfigher. Suddenly, Shirley STOPS in her tracks. SHIRLEY Okay. I've gone along with this freaky plan so far, but I'm not taking another step until I know exactly where we're going. BOBBIE JO To get a flying saucer, silly! SHIRLEY And WHERE are we going to go with it? BOBBIE JO The beach, of course! SHIRLEY And after that? Girls, we mugged three guys, assaulted a police officer, and stole a car! The moment we go home it's reform school, or worse! BOBBIE JO Oh my gosh, you're right! (starts to panic) We can never go home again!!! Bobbie Jo looks as if she's about to start freaking out again, but Alice's glare stops her. ALICE DON'T PANIC! Alice looks around to see if anyone noticed her outburst. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 50. 33 CONTINUED: 33 ALICE (sotto voce) Listen, we're all in this too deep to back out now! (beat) Okay, listen... (another beat) The beach we'll go to will be in...Australia. (more confident) Right! Australia! We'll finish college there! BOBBIE JO Oh! Great!... Hold on! And how will we PAY for school? ALICE How much tuition do you think a flying saucer is worth? SHIRLEY (unconvinced) And who's going to fly it? ALICE (snaps fingers) I can drive ANYTHING! Alice strides off, Shirley following. Bobbie Jo seems deep in thought, then calls after them. BOBBIE JO (ummm...) But, Alice...you got a D-minus in Drivers Ed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 51. 34 INT. HANGAR 18 -- OPTICAL 34 WIDE ANGLE from the back wall of the hangar looking towards the open doors. Sunlight stabs in through the opening illuminating a strip of the shadowy place, leaving everything backlit. In the F.G. is a FLYING SAUCER, all shiny and chrome. In the far B.G. we see the girls as tiny silhouettes in the doorway, casting long shadows across the floor. Their voices ECHO in the hangar. ALICE (a beat; awed) Wow... BOBBIE JO (a beat; quietly) Gosh... SHIRLEY (a beat; gee whiz!) And I thought the new EDSEL was impressive! A beat. With slow steps the awed girls start walking towards the saucer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 52. 35 EXT. AREA 69 -- GATE 35 The Guard remains at his post, bored as ever. SFX: O.C. Police siren. Guard snaps awake, looks down the road. REVERSE ANGLE. Sheriff Ward's car drives up to the guard hut. The Guard steps out to meet the car. A battered looking Sheriff Ward is behind the wheel, his chagrined passengers are black-eyed Mike and Fred. GUARD Oh, hey Sheriff Ward. (sees others) WOOOO! What happened to you guys? Talking back to yer wives again? 36 INT. SAUCER 36 The saucer's cabin is small and Spartan, geodesic, aluminum, with illuminated panels and "Krell" POWER METERS here and there. Entry is via a STAIRWELL OR LADDER that comes up into the room. There are peculiar looking CHAIRS, and a freestanding circular CONSOLE at room center. Shirley and Bobbie Jo study wall panels. Alice sits at the console. Shirley gestures at a METER with a REALLY OBVIOUS ATOMIC SYMBOL. SHIRLEY What do you think this is? BOBBIE JO (not a clue, bluffs) A...speedometer. Shirl BUYS IT! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 53. 36 CONTINUED: 36 SHIRLEY (looks more closely) I can't read any of this writing. I wonder what it says? ALICE If only you hadn't forgotten your Captain Midnight secret decoder ring. Bobbie Jo looks over Alice's shoulder. BOBBIE JO Have you figured out what-- She is interrupted by... SFX: Alert siren starts building faintly in B.G.. SHIRLEY (tenses) What's that noise?! ALICE It means class is over--time for the driving exam! Alice's hand SLAMS DOWN on the biggest BUTTON on the console. SFX: Sound of saucer engines starts and builds. Shirley and Bobbie Jo in nervous anticipation. 37 EXT. AREA 69 -- HANGAR 18 (OPTICAL) 37 ANGLE from the side of the building with the front thinly visible. Without warning, the SAUCER screams out of the HANGAR DOORS and vanishes from view. SFX: Saucer flight noise ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 54. 38 EXT. AREA 69 -- GATE 38 The GUARD, Ward, Fred and Mike all react with a start to the sound of the saucer and turn their gaze to the sky. 39 WIDE ANGLE -- GATE (OPTICAL) 39 EXTREME WIDE ANGLE of the gate. The saucer blasts by, low over the guard post and the stunned men. 40 INT. SAUCER -- RESUME 40 SFX: Saucer interior flight noise. SHIRLEY (nervous) How do you even know where we're going?! There's no window! ALICE (distantly, studying) Well, when I push THIS-- 40A INSERT: CONSOLE 40A Looking over Alice's shoulder looking at controls. The console features various gizmos, including a MAP-LIKE DISPLAY next to a large KNOB. Alice reaches over and turns the knob. A MAP OF EARTH appears, featuring an EARTH symbol. A flashing dot appears over the USA where Area 69 is. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 55. 40 RESUME 40 INTERCUT between 40 and 40A as needed. ALICE --this map shows up. We must be where the flashing light is. Alice touches the map and flashing dot moves over Australia. ALICE Now, when I turn this...WHOOPS! Alice accidentally trns the knob the wrong way and we see a map of Mercury. Alice quickly corrects and turns the knob the other way. ALICE (er, um...) I meant THIS way... Now we see a MARS symbol and a map that is a Lovell- esque diagram of Martian canals. Alice's hand waves across it. Shirley and Bobbie Jo are both intent on Alice's control board. ALICE This looks like those airplane routes you see on globes. So it must be how you set a flight path. SHIRLEY So how do you make us go there? ALICE (smugly) THIS is the GO button. Alice's hand smartly presses down on the same big button she used to take off. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 56. 40 CONTINUED: (2) 40 ALICE Now the flashing dot is where we want to go. SHIRLEY Wow. This thing's easier to drive than a push-button automatic! BOBBIE JO (skeptical) And if you're wrong about how it works? ALICE (snap!) I'M not the one who has problems with MAPS! SHIRLEY Don't let her get to you Alice-- 41 EXT. SPACE -- EARTH -- SAUCER (OPTICAL) 41 The Earth looms large in the B.G. as the saucer streaks over the camera and away. SHIRLEY (V.O.) (cont.) --I'm sure you've got everything under control. 42 EXT. SPACE -- MOON -- SAUCER (OPTICAL) 42 The moon in the B.G. In the F.G. the saucer angles across it and away into space. MUSIC: _Spacey_ theramin music plays from 66 through 69. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 57. 43 INT. SAUCER -- MUCH LATER 43 The girls have moved around a bit. Alice paces round the cabin. Shirley is sitting at the console. Bobbie Jo is sitting girlishly on the floor. MUSIC: Lower volume during 43, then resume in 44. BOBBIE JO (sigh) This sure is taking a long time. ALICE (tugs at her collar) Well, we're not traveling just a few hundred miles. Alice sheds her lab coat. Following her lead, Shirley gets up, sheds her coat, and drops back into the chair. ANGLE on Bobbie Jo standing and doing likewise, revealing that underneath the coat she is wearing THE SWEATER with Earl's handprints on it. Shirley notices this right away. SHIRLEY Bobbie Jo! Why are you wearing THAT?! BOBBIE JO (sees, is horrified) I thought I put on my PINK one! (shrugs) I'll just change-- ALICE Change into WHAT? We left all our luggage in the car, remember? BOBBIE JO (gasp! grrr!) Ohhhh..........POO! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 58. 43 CONTINUED: 43 An agitated Bobbie Jo starts to pull the sweater off. ALICE Keep it, Bobbie Jo. It'll always remind you what jerks men are. Bobbie Jo stops at this, nods, then slips back into the sweater. BOBBIE JO But, what are we going to do for clothes?! ALICE We'll just have to use the money we have to buy some new duds. SHIRLEY Right. I'm sure they have FABULOUS shops where we're going! 44 EXT. SPACE -- SAUCER (OPTICAL) 44 The saucer flies across the screen, getting the camera nearer as it passes. 45 EXT. SPACE -- MARS -- SAUCER (OPTICAL) 45 Mars hangs in the B.G. A beat. The saucer arcs in from above and speeds away towards the planet, vanishing out of frame. HOLD on Mars for a few seconds. VISUAL EFFECT NOTE: This scene should start off black and white and over the course of the scene fades to the RED TINT that will pervade the Mars scenes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 59. 46 EXT. MARS -- SAUCER -- DAY (OPTICAL) 46 WIDE ANGLE on the saucer, now sitting on the parched surface, with the girls slowly walking away from it and towards the camera. They are clearly stunned by what they see. MUSIC: Music modulates to very alien sounding. BOBBIE JO (wide-eyed) Oh my gosh...where are we? ALICE (a little unsure) Must be the Australian outback... SHIRLEY You should've pointed us closer to the coast, where the cities are. Alice looks suddenly notices something O.C. to their right(screen left), and points. ALICE (excited) Look over there! Shirley and Bobbie Jo look. 46A INSERT -- MARTIAN CITY -- DAY (OPTICAL) 46A WIDE ANGLE from the girls' left, perpendicular to angle in 70. Beyond the girls, some distance away, is the Martian equivalent of the Emerald City. MUSIC: BIG dramatic theramin jolt. 46 RESUME 46 SHIRLEY Should we go there? (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 60. 46 CONTINUED: 46 BOBBIE JO Good idea. (sharply, at Alice) Maybe they have a MAP. ALICE (ignores the jab) Let's get going. SHIRLEY Do you think it's safe to leave the saucer here? ALICE (confidence returning) You see anyone around waiting to steal it? 47 EXT. CANAL -- MARTIAN CITY & CANAL (OPTICAL) 47 WIDE-ANGLE. The girls walk alongside a water-filled CANAL that leads directly to the city, which is nearer than before. 48 ANGLE -- CANAL WALKWAY 48 The girls walk along the walkway, suddenly, they stop. MUSIC: FADE OUT. REVERSE ANGLE a short ways away we see two MARTIAN HUNKS, clad in SHINY METALLIC GARB, working with some cheapo sci-fi equipment. One of them happens to glance up and sees the girls. His partner picks up on this and turns to see the girls as well. RESUME ON GIRLS. BOBBIE JO (shoot me now) Oh, great...MEN. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 61. 48 CONTINUED: 48 SHIRLEY (coooool) Wow...see what they're wearing? I didn't think guys wore silver lame! Alice continues walking. ALICE Maybe it's in fashion here. ANGLE on Hunks, HUNK-ONE and HUNK-TWO, in midground, still crouched at the side of the canal, looking towards the girls O.C. A beat. The girls enter frame in the F.G. ALICE (playing it cool) Hey, er, MATES. We're on our way to the coast and made a wrong turn somewhere. (points at city O.C.) What city is that? INTRO: HUNKS Both Hunks come suddenly to their feet. Both are nearly six and half feet tall, and tower over the girls. The first Hunk, HUNK-ONE, stares right at Alice. When he speaks, his voice is deep, manly, and in a very narrow register (monotone). HUNK-ONE It is our capital: Testosterone. As Hunk-One speaks, Hunk-Two stares with curiosity at Bobbie Jo's chest and the handprinted sweater. She is obviously uncomfortable. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 62. 48 CONTINUED: (2) 48 SHIRLEY (huh?) I thought Sydney was the capital of Australia? HUNK-ONE Aus-tra-lia?-- Hunk-Two's attention goes to Hunk-One as he replies to Shirley. FAVOR HUNK-ONE. HUNK-ONE --This is not Aus-tra-lia. ON BOBBIE JO'S withering gaze on Alice. BOBBIE JO (another fine mess...) No wonder you got that D-minus, miss "I can drive anything"! Hunk-Two glances at Bobbie Jo, looks away, and then does a double take when he sees she's NOT WEARING the sweater. She's holding it bundled up in her arms! ALICE (crestfallen) If this isn't Australia...then where are we? HUNK-ONE You are following the canal Incubus, which flows from Brute to Testosterone. (a beat, sees they don't get it yet) This is the planet MARS. ANGLE ON GIRLS. They look stunned, and, as one, their eyes roll back and all three collapse in a dead faint. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 63. 48 CONTINUED: (3) 48 ANGLE ON MARTIANS, curiously looking down at them. A beat. HUNK-ONE (matter-of-factly) Their underthings must be too tight. 49 EXT. MARTIAN CITY (OPTICAL) 49 ESTABLISHING SHOT of the city, close enough where we can see it. Various MARTIAN AIRCRAFT buzz about. 50 INT. SAUCER HANGAR (OPTICAL) 50 A cavernous interior space, packed to the gills with flying saucers. Led by the MARTIANS, the GIRLS walk through the hangar, looking about in awe. 51 INT. SAUCER HANGAR -- EXIT 51 The Hunks lead the girls through a door, leaving the hangar. As they exit, ominous INHUMAN SHADOWS move across the wall. 52 INT. CITY -- ZHA ZHA'S THRONE ROOM (OPTICAL) 52 A hall like chamber, devoid of furnishings, save the throne and dais. We can see a huge banner with a Mars symbol dominating the wall above and behind the throne. The girls follow Hunk-One and Hunk-Two towards the dais. Two ADDITIONAL MARTIANS stand on the dais, one to either side of the throne. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 64. 53 CLOSER ANGLES 53 The girls stand together a short distance before the dais, flanked by Hunk-One and Hunk-Two. Two ADDITIONAL MARTIANS stand on the dais, one to either side of the throne. Bobbie Jo holds THE SWEATER bundled up in her arms. HUNK-THREE All hail Queen Zha Zha! The girls look at each other, puzzled, for there is no one on the throne. ANGLE from behind the girls. Shirley looks to Alice and shrugs, perplexed. Suddenly, QUEEN ZHA ZHA enters, wearing a billowing, filmy CAPE. ZHA ZHA, back to the camera, roughly shoves Alice and Shirley apart, and sashays up the dais to the throne. INTRO: ZHA ZHA ANGLE ON ZHA ZHA as she spins around, cape twirling and FLYING OFF, to reveal that she...is a he! He's truly the "Queen" of outer space! Zha Zha practically bounces onto the throne, then casts a baleful eye on the three Earth women. ZHA ZHA My, my, my! What do we have here? ANGLE ON HUNK-ONE. HUNK-ONE Three women of the planet Earth, my Queen. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 65. 53 CONTINUED: 53 ZHA ZHA Ah yes! Visitors from our... (beat, a smile that means more than we know) ..."sister" planet. (God, I'm wonderful!) So, obviously you have come to pay tribute to I, Zha Zha, Queen of Mars. (eager) What gift did you bring me from your Earth? The girls, of course, have brought no presents, no offerings. Bobbie Jo looks panicky, Alice looks concerned, and Shirley just looks lost. ALICE Uhhh...your...your honor...We... Well, you see, we were heading for Australia...on Earth...and, well, we got this saucer... During this, Zha Zha begins to look impatient and unhappy. Bobbie Jo panics, and thrusts THE SWEATER at the Queen. BOBBIE JO We brought you THIS! Zha Zha takes the proffered sweater and unfolds it, staring at the big black handprints. He holds it before him, studying it. A beat...deadly silence... ZHA ZHA (gasp! I love it!) It's DIVINE! I've never seen anything with such raw, urgent, primitive energy! (looking at the girls) Is everyone on Earth wearing them? (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 66. 53 CONTINUED: (2) 53 ON GIRLS: Shirley and Bobbie Jo are dumbfounded. Only Alice has some semblance of her wits. ALICE No sir...maam...uh, your highness. It's a...one of a kind original. Zha Zha is now standing and wearing the sweater. He looks down on it, admiringly. ZHA ZHA (giddy) I've not had such wonderful tribute in AGES. (proclaiming) For this, you will be our guests! My men will attend to your every need! Just tell them what you want, and it shall be yours! He exits. The girls all look to one another, still more than a little bewildered. ALICE (to Hunk-One) So, what do you do for a good time around here? HUNK-ONE (matter-of-factly) Well, first I would cook you a gourmet meal, then make love to you for eighteen hours. Afterwards, I would wash the dishes and sew you a new dress by hand. Alice doesn't look back at her companions, who are standing slack jawed. ALICE Don't wait up. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 67. 53 CONTINUED: (3) 53 Alice grabs Hunk-One by the arm and drags him out of frame. Shirley and Bobbie Jo look blankly at one another, then look at the remaining Hunks. HUNK-TWO How may we fulfill your fantasies? The girls look right at each other, and, slowly, their expressions change from confusion to broad grins...they are the cats with the canaries. 54 SEDUCTION MONTAGE 54 MUSIC THROUGHOUT: Period song about dreamy guys. CLOSE ANGLES of each of the girls in MEDIUM CLOSE UP with SHADOWS of buff Hunks on the featureless wall behind them. DISSOLVE between shots of the girls: --sighing --looking coy --wide eyed admiration --looking dreamy --etc. The Hunk silhouettes do things like: --flex --cook & flex --sew & flex --strike stereotypical flamenco dance poses --and flex some more! DISSOLVE TO: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 68. 55 EXT. MARTIAN CITY -- SUNRISE (OPTICAL) 55 The sun rises behind the great city. NOTE: Do something suggestive here, like an angle on a phallic tower that seems to grow as we approach or zoom or something. 56 INT. MARTIAN BOUDOIR #1 56 Alice is sprawled in a bizarrely shaped bed, wrapped in silvery sheets and smoking a cigarette. It is clearly just "after the moment". ZOOM OUT to see the entire room, where we now see a small dining table, upon which is a candle and the remnants of a gourmet meal. Hunk-One is standing nearby, wearing a metallic apron and drying dishes. Alice waves at him and he responds by flexing, a dish in hand. Alice sighs contentedly. 57 INT. MARTIAN BOUDOIR #2 57 Shirley is sitting in an appropriately weird chair, relaxing. Behind her (face not visible) is a Hunk, "peeling her a grape" and placing them in her mouth. Shirley admires her hands, as if she just got a manicure. PAN to Shirley's feet, where we see HUNK-TWO painting her toenails. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 69. 58 INT. MARTIAN BOUDOIR #3 58 A room like the others. The scene is provocative. _THE GRADUATE_ poster shot! The camera is looking at the room through the triangle made by Bobbie Jo's bare legs at three very desperate Hunks standing across the room. They're on the verge of dropping to their knees and begging. We cannot tell if she is naked or not. HUNK-THREE Stop teasing us! HUNK-FOUR Yes! We cannot stand to wait any longer! HUNK-FIVE You must give us some now! BOBBIE JO Oh, all right...I guess I've made you boys wait long enough! ANOTHER ANGLE. Bobbie Jo walks towards the camera, clad in a short, silvery kimono. She casts a come hither glance back at the Hunks before she BENDS OVER disappearing from the frame. They stare at her, amazed. CLOSE ANGLE on the Hunks. HUNK-FOUR (in awe) Your muffins...they're PERFECT! ANGLE PAST the Hunks where we see Bobbie Jo removing a tray of baked goods from the Martian "oven" there. Like Suzie Homemaker, she shows off her "goods." HUNK-FIVE You must give us this "banana nut" recipe! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 70. 59 EXT. MARTIAN PALACE -- MIDDAY -- MINIATURE (OPTICAL) 59 Atop the huge building we can see two small figures. 60 EXT. MARTIAN PALACE ROOF -- CLOSE ANGLES 60 Close in now, we see that the figures atop the building are Shirley and Bobbie Jo. Both look very blissful. SHIRLEY (dreamily) Wow. Who'd have ever thought we'd meet guys so...dreamy. Shirley turns to look into the distance, putting the back of her head to Bobbie Jo and the camera. BOBBIE JO I know...gosh...they're even more perfect than... (groping) ...than my daddy! Shirley turns back to face Bobbie Jo, and, suddenly, a thick black moustache adorns her face! BOBBIE JO (alarmed) Shirley! Your face! SHIRLEY (touches cheeks) Why? What's wrong? When Bobbie Jo opens her mouth, suddenly her voice is VERY DEEP. She sounds a little like the Hunks! (And RETAINS this voice until otherwise indicated.) BOBBIE JO (deep voice) YOU HAVE A MOUSTACHE! Realizing how she just sounded, she slaps a hand over her mouth in horror. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 71. 60 CONTINUED: 60 SHIRLEY (squealing) YOUR VOICE!!! BOBBIE JO (panicked) YOUR FACE! ALICE (O.C.) MY CHEST! At this moment Alice appears, hysterical. She is very obviously flat-chested...her top not fitting right. ALICE (gestures helplessly) They're...gone!!! BOBBIE JO (to Alice) YOUR CHEST! SHIRLEY (to Bobbie Jo) YOUR VOICE!!! ALICE (noticing Shirley) YOUR FACE!!! 61 INT. LARGE MARTIAN BOUDOIR 61 The girls burst into one room, and stop cold at what they see O.C. ANOTHER ANGLE. The room is filled with MEN who look like the Hunks, but who are dressed like Earth girls! These proto-Hunks give dispassionate stares at the girls. ON GIRLS. SLACK JAWED at this sight! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 72. 62 INT. CITY -- ZHA ZHA'S THRONE ROOM (OPTICAL) 62 The girls rush in, finding HUNK-ONE and HUNK-FOUR standing guard of the Queen, who sits on the throne wearing THE SWEATER. Alice runs up to Hunk-One and grabs his arm desperately. ALICE (angry) WHAT IS THIS? Zha Zha gives the girls a patronizing little wave. ZHA ZHA (with irony) Well, hello...GIRLS. Hunk-One does not react with surprise as he surveys the girls. BOBBIE JO (hysterical) What's happening to us? HUNK-ONE Are you displeased? This happens to everyone who comes to Mars. SHIRLEY (huh?) What happens? ZHA ZHA Mars is the MASCULINE planet, you sillies. A side effect is that EVERYONE who comes here becomes a prime specimen of MANHOOD. As if on cue, the other Hunks hit _flex_ poses. Zha Zha sighs at the sight. BOBBIE JO (horrified) I'm turning into a MAN?! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 73. 62 CONTINUED: 62 ALICE (WHAT THE @#$%?!) Why didn't you tell us that when we arrived?! ZHA ZHA OH PLEASE! You're not the first and you won't be the last! I've been sending ships to Earth to collect girls for AGES! You three just happened to bring back a saucer we lost... (wistful) ...the pilot ran off to Key West with a florist and a hairdresser. SHIRLEY How many girls have you brought here?! HUNK-ONE ALL of us servants come from Earth. SHIRLEY What was your name on Earth? HUNK-FOUR (matter-of-factly) Amelia Earhart. ANGLE ON GIRLS. As when they first learned they were on Mars, all three collapse in a dead faint. ANGLE ON MARTIANS AND ZHA ZHA, curiously looking down at them. ZHA ZHA Underthings? HUNK-ONE nods. 63 EXT. MARTIAN CITY -- NIGHT (OPTICAL) 63 Various LIGHTED AIRCRAFT hover about. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 74. 64 INT. MARTIAN BOUDOIR #2 64 ANGLE ON MIRROR, where we see Bobbie Jo's reflection. She is distraught, running her fingers across a headfull of hair that looks just like that of the Hunks. BOBBIE JO Look at me! My beautiful hair... gone! (looks closely at mirror) You know, with this hair, I kind of look like... (gasp of horror) ...MY DADDY! ALICE (O.C.) How fitting. You've grown up to become the man you always wanted to marry. PULL BACK to reveal the full mirror and Bobbie Jo, back to the camera. Suddenly, she turns to face past the camera, revealing Alice reflected in the mirror. Alice now sports big shoulders and pectorals. BOBBIE JO Oh hush, AL. ALICE (grumbles) The most perfect men we ever meet... used to be girls! Shirley steps into view in the reflection alongside Alice. Her moustache has developed into a full beard. SHIRLEY Just like we're going to be! (slightly hysterical) What are we going to do?! I want to shave my legs, not my face! VARIOUS ANGLES. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 75. 64 CONTINUED: 64 BOBBIE JO (a glare at Alice) Well, for SOME people it's not such a big change. ALICE This from a woman who sounds like Orson Welles. SHIRLEY STOP IT! We're turning into men, and all you two can do is argue! Just then the door opens and a figure in typical Hunk costume enters, carrying TWO METAL PLATTERS containing FOOD. WE CANNOT SEE THE FACE, but he does not appear quite as tall and buff as the other Hunks. Alice and Bobbie Jo are still studying themselves in the mirror, and only Shirley watches as the Hunk wordlessly sets the trays on the table. SHIRLEY (gasp of recognition) It's the girl from the newspaper! Alice and Bobbie Jo wheel about. ANGLE. Indeed, the Hunk is ELLIE! She's well on her way to becoming a man, much farther along than our girls. BOBBIE JO (gasps) Oh my gosh, I think you're right? (to Ellie) What's your name? ELLIE THE HUNK (speaks in Hunk monotone) Ellie Lynn Green. ALICE How long have you been here, Ellie? (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 76. 64 CONTINUED: (2) 64 ELLIE THE HUNK About a week, I think. SHIRLEY Only a week and she's already almost a Martian! ELLIE THE HUNK Martian? Oh no, we humans only become the manliest of men, not Martians. ALICE What about the queen? Is she...er, he a martian? ELLIE THE HUNK The Queen IS a Martian, but does not look like one. He and the ruling Martians use hormones to assume human appearances. BOBBIE JO What do the real Martians look like? ELLIE THE HUNK I cannot describe them. But you will know one when you see one. ALICE What's was this about hormones? ELLIE THE HUNK Mars acts as a masculinizer, replacing female hormones with male ones. The martians absorb the female hormones and use them to remake themselves into human form. ALICE So that's why they've been kidnapping all those girls! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 77. 64 CONTINUED: (3) 64 Bobbie Jo is holding one of the platters, sampling its peculiar MARTIAN HORS D'OEUVRES. BOBBIE JO (sigh of resignation) Well, what's so bad with being a man anyway? ELLIE THE HUNK Just wait till you have to trade your panties for boxer shorts. Bobbie Jo looks perplexed, then freaks, sending the platter crashing to the floor. BOBBIE JO OH MY GOD! We've got to find a way to stop this! SHIRLEY This is bigger than just us, girls! We have to get back to Earth and warn everyone! (patriotic calm) It's our duty...as Americans! Absently, Alice picks up the tray. ALICE We need to get back to our saucer. (to Ellie) Will you join us? ELLIE THE HUNK I cannot. Already I am a loyal subject of the Queen. I can tell you where to get a saucer. But you will have to get past the guards somehow. Alice is turning the tray over in her hand, a gleam in her eye. ALICE I think I have plan! 65 EXT. MARTIAN CITY (STOCK) 65 RE-USE of 49. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 78. 66 EXT. MARTIAN HANGAR 66 A couple of Hunk Hunks flank a DOOR to the hangar. They look typically expressionless. Then, as one, they take notice of something O.C. ANGLE past Hunks. The girls approach in a shot composed identically to 31. As Alice takes notes with a MARTIAN CLIPBOARD & PEN, Shirley and Bobbie Jo are doing their hubcap toss routine with the TWO SERVING PLATTERS Ellie brought to them. ANGLE. Hunks look at each other and shrug. Both swing arm behind their backs and come back with the shields on their forearms, and short spears in the shield hand. They switch the spears to the other hand. INTERCUT between Hunks and girls doing their scientist impersonations as they approach the gate. Each time we see the girls, they are closer to the Hunks. As the girls get near, the Hunks move to block the door. Clearly, they're not buying this. Suddenly, Shirley and Bobbie Jo fling the platters at the Hunks. CLANG! The Hunks go down. Shirl & Bobbie Jo nod smartly at Alice, who moves to write something on her clipboard 66A INSERT: ALICE'S MARTIAN CLIPBOARD 66A The metal-foil "paper" there reads: __Outsmart guards And Alice smartly draws a big CHECK MARK next to this singular item. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 79. 67 INT. SAUCER HANGAR -- MINIATURE 67 A cavernous interior space packed to the gills with flying saucers. Only one SAUCER sits on the ground, its hatch open. The others are suspended from above. 68 ANOTHER ANGLE -- MINIATURE (OPTICAL) 68 ANOTHER ANGLE. Amelia Earhart's LOCKHEED 10E ELECTRA sits near the SAUCER. The GIRLS appear, sneaking into the hangar in the shadow of the plane. 69 INT. MARTIAN HANGAR -- ELECTRA 69 The girls huddle between an engine and the fuselage of Amelia's plane. SHIRLEY (awed at plane) Wow...so I guess he really WAS Amelia Earhart! As the girls consider what to do, an ominous SHADOW crosses the aircraft hull behind them. WAR OF THE WORLDS shot, as an ALIEN HAND comes to rest on Shirley's shoulder. She goes BUG-EYED and slowly turns to see... ...The MARTIAN. One of the REAL Martians. It's both hideous and ridiculous. Apparently, it's a saucer mechanic, as it wears stained coveralls. In its movements it should subtly imply an alien Earl. Its neon nametag reads "Lumpy" (which is Martian for Earl, of course). SHIRLEY (screams just like Ann Robinson) Startled, the other girls turn and react in horror. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 80. 69 CONTINUED: 69 The Monster is startled for a moment, but then zeroes in on Shirley, its paws raised menacingly. Shirley SCREAMS all through this. INTERCUT-- --SHIRLEY'S POV as the Monster approaches --MONSTER'S POV as Shirley backs away in horror --ANGLE Alice and Bobbie Jo huddle together, terrified BIG BUILDUP! Tension! Drama! Hammy acting! Then-- --The Monster looms close, its large paws filling the screen. --Alice and Bobbie Jo clutch each other, terrified for their friend. SFX: A loud CRACK. Alice and Bobbie Jo's gaze goes to the ground as the monster SLIDES TO THEIR FEET, flat on its back and out like a light...just like Earl! WIDE ANGLE of Shirley, rubbing her fist. Her dress now features two BIG BLACK PAWPRINTS over her breasts, aping Bobbie Jo's sweater Bobbie Jo hurries over and pats her on the back. Alice walks over, still looking back at the monster. BOBBIE JO WAY TO GO, SHIRL! SHIRLEY (mimicking Bobbie Jo) Gosh darn it all to heck! Why are Martian monsters such...PIGS?! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 81. 70 INT. MARTIAN HANGAR (OPTICAL) 70 Another angle. The girls run down the aisle towards a nearby FLYING SAUCER. 71 INT. SAUCER 71 DOWN-ANGLE on entryway as the girls clamber up into the ship's cabin. ANOTHER ANGLE. The girls have stopped cold, finding Zha Zha in the pilot's seat and four Hunks standing around him -- HUNK-THREE, HUNK-FOUR, HUNK-FIVE, and HUNK-SIX -- each holding a shield and their short, ARROW-LIKE WEAPONS. ZHA ZHA Well hello again! (rises, faces them) Don't be surprised. I knew you'd try to escape even before you did. Suddenly, all the Hunk weapons TELESCOPE into spears! ALICE Let us go, you creep! We don't want to be men! ZHA ZHA Trust me, you won't mind once the transformation is complete! There are many benefits to being a one of my _men_. I mean, how fortunate to be MY loyal subjects! Bobbie Jo loses it. She leaps towards Zha Zha and grabs him from behind, then backs up to one of the walls. The Hunks all turn towards her, weapons raised. BOBBIE JO STAY WHERE YOU ARE! (brings a perfume atomizer to Zha Zha's head) Or the Queen gets it! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 82. 71 CONTINUED: 71 The Hunks look perplexed, and start lowering their weapons. ZHA ZHA (rolls his eyes) It's perfume! What do you think she's going to do, spritz me to death? (hissy fit) SEIZE HER! The Hunks move towards Bobbie Jo, and she responds by pushing Zha Zha towards them, then spritzes perfume in all their faces. They cough and recoil. Alice takes advantage of this distraction to hop into the pilot's seat, messing with the console map and hitting the big _GO_ button. SFX: Sound of saucer engines starts and builds. Within moments, it goes to full flight sound. In response, one of the Hunks swings his weapon at Alice. She rolls out of the chair, and the weapon embeds itself in the console. Zha Zha jumps into the pilot seat as the other Hunks corner the girls. ZHA ZHA (sissy-slaps the embedded weapon) MOVE THAT SILLY THING! The Hunk who swung the weapon wrests it free from the damaged console, and Zha Zha starts pushing buttons. (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 83. 71 CONTINUED: (2) 71 ZHA ZHA (horrified) We're on course for Venus, and the controls are jammed! (panicked, rises and grabs Hunk-Five's tunic) DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?! HUNK-FIVE (wistful) Yes, the banana nut muffins I just put in the oven are going to be ruined. 72 EXT. SPACE -- SAUCER (OPTICAL) 72 The saucer races off into the void, leaving us looking at empty space. VISUAL EFFECT NOTE: Over the course of this shot the RED TINT of the Mars scenes fades away, leaving us, again in glorious BLACK AND WHITE. DISSOLVE TO: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 84. 73 EXT. BABS' DINER -- NIGHT 73 It's closing time, and only a few cars remain in the parking lot. The exterior lights go out as one of the cars pulls out of the lot. 74 INT. BABS' DINER -- NIGHT 74 A COUPLE OF CUSTOMERS wave as they head out the door. A WAITRESS waves distractedly back at them as she grabs a tray of three drinks from the counter. She makes her way towards the camera's position. TRACK FROM waitress to Babs and ANOTHER WAITRESS, seated on one side of a booth (the other side is not visible). The first waitress places three NON-WHITE DRINKS on the table, but does not leave after she has done so. BABS (to characters O.C. on other side of booth) That's really some story, girls. I'd have a hard time believing it if the three of you didn't look so...different! ANGLE ON GIRLS. They look different all right, but nothing like last we saw them. All three look like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine, with gorgeous outfits, perfect makeup, and not a hint of the masculine characteristics they had when last we saw them. BABS So, what happened when you got to Venus? BOBBIE JO Well, the reason Zha Zha was so terrified was because Venus is the exact opposite of Mars. Everyone who goes there becomes the most feminine of women...even the REAL Martians! (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 85. 74 CONTINUED: 74 ALICE By the time we were ready to leave Venus, the guys were all giddy schoolgirls! And Zha Zha's a REAL queen now! (laughs) As for us, well, you can see the results! SHIRLEY After that, Zha Zha was ever so nice! She and the other girls decided to stay on Venus to look for their fellow _sisters_, but fixed the saucer so we could get home. BOBBIE JO (playfully) AND taught Alice how to drive it properly. SHIRLEY So, the first thing we did was land at the White House and told President Eisenhower everything that happened! He pardoned us for all the trouble we'd gotten into, but the Air Force took the saucer back. ALICE (proudly) Yeah, but guess who's now their top saucer test pilot? BOBBIE JO (teasing) Lord help the Air Force! BABS So, do you think the other Martians will come looking for you? (CONTINUED) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Molyneaux "WOMEN NEED MARTIANS" 05/17/99 86. 74 CONTINUED: (2) 74 Just then the DOORS burst open and four Hunks -- spears at ready -- walk in, led by HUNK-ONE and HUNK-TWO (IMPORTANT! None of these Hunks were on the saucer with Zha Zha). The waitresses scatter as the Hunks stride purposefully up to the girls' booth. Babs looks startled. HUNK-ONE (a beat) Hello beautiful ladies. Would you join us on the beach where we will kiss in the moonlight? The three girls giggle excitedly, and one of the Hunks drops to his knee alongside Babs where he makes eyes at her a flexes a muscle. She swoons! 75 EXT. BABS' DINER -- NIGHT (OPTICAL) 75 SFX: Sound of saucer engines starts and builds. ECU of a bumper sticker that reads CALIFORNIA OR BUST. After a beat, the sticker moves away from the camera, so what we see it is along the back edge of a flying saucer. An instant later, the saucer BLASTS into the distance, leaving Babs' Diner behind. SFX: Saucer racing off. 76 END TITLE CARD 76 THE END